Tip of The Week: Take Things as They Come

When a man calls your phone at 1:30AM, after more than a year sans communication, you know he is only interested in one thing. And seeing as we'd never had sex, I found myself taken aback when he began whispering dirty sentiments through the phone.

The following morning, in what was starting to feel like clockwork, the phone flashed his name across the screen. The Brit was not giving up easy. The words rolled off his tongue sending shivers throughout my body, making me ache to be touched, kissed and pulled apart.

"Rather than tell me what you want to do to me, why don't I hop into a taxi and you can just do it?" As fun as it was to hear about how hot I made him, I didn't want to talk; I wanted action.

The door to his Tribeca penthouse loft swung open; his lips immediately pressed against mine. His hands skimmed the sides of my waist and hips. Grabbing tightly, he threw me up against the wall and kissed my neck and shoulders.

The Brit grabbed my ass and lifted me up so my legs wrapped around his waist, then carried me to bed. After what felt like 12 hours of anticipation, he made me come once; then again, and again once more.

Not exactly what I had anticipated doing all Saturday afternoon; but hey, sometimes you just have to run with it.

Tip of The Week: Breathing is Overrated

We go through life unconscious, saying what we are supposed to say, behaving as we are told to behave.

How many times a day does a complete stranger utter the phrase, "Hi, how are you?" It seems simple and innocent enough, but why have we been trained to ask people such an invasive question, when we could really care less about their answer? Is it so difficult for people to just greet each other with a simple, 'Hello'?

I used to grin and bear it, responding with something equally predictable and inconsequential, until a particularly low evening when I chose a more suitable quip. Rather than conform to something socially accepted and expected, I chose to say what was really on my mind, "My day has been complete shit, thanks for asking."

Stunned by my brutal honestly and refute to play the game that was set out for us, the sales clerk turned a lovely shade of pink and began to mumble inaudibly.

Unless you really want to know the answer to a question, do everyone a favor and save your breath.

Tip of The Week: Pillow Talk

Knowing your limit is of the upmost importance. Every now and again the party comes at you hard and you find yourself having too much fun to say no.

I'd been going strong since the half bottle of champagne consumed at dinner. The East Village hotel bar was packed, as per the Thursday night ritual, and shots of Patron were free flowing. I grabbed my friends arm, a look of horror across my face, "My Phone!"

Once said phone had been recovered, the kind server on the patio had rescued it from the darkness, we were back to the bar. It was the deadly combination of vodka, shots of espresso, mixed with god only knows what else that finally took me down.

Entering the bathroom stall, I felt as though I may be sick. Minutes later it came to me, the 'perfect' plan; I wasn't sick... I was just in need of a quick nap!

How to Nap Like a Pro 

In my drunken state I felt that the toilet was kind of gross and best not lean against it. Rather than taking this as a sign that I should be going home to bed, I used an entire roll of toilet paper and fashioned myself a massive pillow. Proud of my 'smart move', I was ready to catch some shut-eye.

The hard floor caused my sandal to dig into my ankle; it was most uncomfortable so in order to better enjoy my nap I removed the sandal.

Get ready for it, the full visual; legs sticking out of the stall, one shoe on, one shoe off. Beautiful girl sleeps with her head against the toilet, all while clutching a massive toilet paper pillow.

Note: When you are massively drunk, there is no such thing as the perfect idea.

 

Tip of The Week: Favre Gets Freaky

 
In case you live under a rock, former New York Jet's quarterback Brett Favre has been accused of sexually harassing former colleague, sideline hostess, Jenn Sterger. If you seriously don’t know what I am talking about there's this thing called ‘Google’ and I hear it’s pretty good.

Let me be frank, sexual harassment is not a joke. The way Streger’s PR team has allowed this story to be told is simply embarrassing, making a mockery of their client and all women who have suffered sexual harassment.

By refusing to comment, Sterger was most likely hoping to avoid the whispers of ‘attention whore’ that the media were sure to slur. Wakeup and read the papers Jenn they are saying it anyhow.

With little information about what actually occurred between Favre and Sterger, I wanted to take this opportunity to personally reach out to them both with a little Chloe advice.

Grow some balls. Favre, if you want to ask a girl out just walk up and ask her in person, don’t keep calling and leaving messages. Sterger, if a man keeps calling, try answering your phone and tell him you are totally flattered but you have a rule about dating people in your working environment.

Take a fucking hint. Favre, if she doesn’t answer after the third message it means not interested (read: this does not mean send her naked pictures of your penis). Sterger, after voice mail  number three you may have noticed his level of determination. When the phone rings, answer it! By laying down the law one can prevent creepy penis photos!

Hire the best PR Team. Favre, get someone on your side to maximize all front page opportunities coming your way; it will probably be the last time you get this much press. Sterger, strategy is everything when it comes to a situation like this. Decide your angle and get the best in the business on your side. 

Sterger’s current PR team does not appear to have a clue what their angle is. Are they trying to promote women’s rights? Are they seeking retribution for Sterger by making Favre look bad? Are they hoping to inspire women to stand up to sexual harassment? (I sure hope it’s not the latter, as so far the media isn’t painting the most flattering picture of the victim).

If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, be straightforward about it. If they persist, take action. Simple. The only person that can stand up for you is you.

Good Vibrations

"Your ass is not a cul-de-sac, things can get lost up there!" My girlfriend was laughing as she recounted her disaster of a morning. Still half asleep, my eyes flickered open as she continued; a horrifying story about a mini  pocket-rocket lodged (and then lost) you know where...

I absolutely adore that my friends call me with their madness, fully knowing I will never make them feel embarrassed or ashamed. People spend too much time worrying about how others will receive them; they forget to focus on how something makes them feel.

Everyday, everything I do is for me. I do not worry about pleasing others, or meeting any expectations other than my own. Let go of what people told you to think and start thinking for yourself. Know that if you want to make something happen you can and don't let anything or anyone stand in your way. 

Tip of The Week: The Guy is a total BONER

It's most unpleasant to be in a situations where The Guy is complaining (read: mentions it at all) that condoms are expensive. Never having a problem handling this myself, I realized that other women do; hence my new Monday endeavor, "Tip of The Week".

If The Guy mentions the cost of condoms, I tend to look overly annoyed and say, "I'm sorry, I thought you liked that we had lots of sex... Besides, child support costs way more than that." 

At this point, unless the sex is really fantastic I would usually get up and walk away. If the sex is really amazing, I'd consider taking him one last time before abandoning ship.